BREAKING NEWS! Campbell tests positive; Perricone on the run

Chaos.

This was what the hotel room at La Quinta Inn was in a state of disarray this evening. Perricone, upset about only getting third at todays Wisconsin Road Race, was in a state of rage when the Notre Dame Cycling Team rolled into the hotel. The lack of conditioner in the shower sent her over the edge. It is alleged that Perricone trashed the room in her fit of rage. She has been charged by the Hotel Rent-A-Cops with destruction of property. Perricone will be charged as an unruly college aged student, which are tried in a much stricter court (guilty until proven innocent, 5 times the fines, jail showers with soap dispensers on the floor), upon being caught.

When hotel security arrived at the scene, they only found the trashed room that the Irish at rented and Campbell passed out on the floor with a 4 pack of wine coolers near him and a over the counter antidepressant known to contain steroids. Campbell was subject to a post race drug test, where it has just been learned that he tested positive for a banned steroid. Hotel security hypothesize that Campbell, clinically depressed from awful race results, was in a desperate state of mind and purchased over the counter antidepressants to help cope with his terribleness. It is unlikely that he was using it for performance enhancement - he just sucked too much. Upon knowing that he failed the post competition drug test, he purchased BJ Fuzzy Navel wine coolers and drank himself into a stooper. He passed out while Perricone was trashing the room, and is still laying on the floor with drool coming out of his mouth. Perricone then took the keys from Campbell's passed out body, and took off in the HOLTAWAG (HOnda Light TActial WAGon). Hotel Security wouldn't be surprised if she was currently at a music store buying death metal CD's and loading up on red bull to fuel her night of debauchery

Hotel Security is offering a reward of a one night's free stay in the romance suite and private use of the pool/hot tub area between the hours of 10 and 11 for any information leading to Perricones apprehension. If no information is provided within the next 1o minutes, hotel maids will start cleaning the room and forget that the incident ever happened.