BREAKING NEWS! Campbell tests positive; Perricone on the run

Chaos.

This was what the hotel room at La Quinta Inn was in a state of disarray this evening. Perricone, upset about only getting third at todays Wisconsin Road Race, was in a state of rage when the Notre Dame Cycling Team rolled into the hotel. The lack of conditioner in the shower sent her over the edge. It is alleged that Perricone trashed the room in her fit of rage. She has been charged by the Hotel Rent-A-Cops with destruction of property. Perricone will be charged as an unruly college aged student, which are tried in a much stricter court (guilty until proven innocent, 5 times the fines, jail showers with soap dispensers on the floor), upon being caught.

When hotel security arrived at the scene, they only found the trashed room that the Irish at rented and Campbell passed out on the floor with a 4 pack of wine coolers near him and a over the counter antidepressant known to contain steroids. Campbell was subject to a post race drug test, where it has just been learned that he tested positive for a banned steroid. Hotel security hypothesize that Campbell, clinically depressed from awful race results, was in a desperate state of mind and purchased over the counter antidepressants to help cope with his terribleness. It is unlikely that he was using it for performance enhancement - he just sucked too much. Upon knowing that he failed the post competition drug test, he purchased BJ Fuzzy Navel wine coolers and drank himself into a stooper. He passed out while Perricone was trashing the room, and is still laying on the floor with drool coming out of his mouth. Perricone then took the keys from Campbell's passed out body, and took off in the HOLTAWAG (HOnda Light TActial WAGon). Hotel Security wouldn't be surprised if she was currently at a music store buying death metal CD's and loading up on red bull to fuel her night of debauchery

Hotel Security is offering a reward of a one night's free stay in the romance suite and private use of the pool/hot tub area between the hours of 10 and 11 for any information leading to Perricones apprehension. If no information is provided within the next 1o minutes, hotel maids will start cleaning the room and forget that the incident ever happened.

Jenn Perricone Takes Names; Tim Campbell Needs a Name Tag

Treasurer and el presidente elect Jenn Perricone has been owning the collegiate race scene, complete with a 3rd place finish today at the Wisconsin Road Race. This is what she had to say about the RR:

"I should've won. After pulling more than half the race and chasing down all the attacks, I got some bad positioning for the sprint and couldn't take care of business. I am enraged."

Tim got dropped...again. After 55 miles of pain, Tim popped off the back of the race.

"Well, if it makes me feel any better 40ish people popped off the back before me, but I still popped. Its lame, I need to get better...and some results, its kind of depressing getting dropped all the time."

Tim, Jenn, and Nate, the D All-Star that rolls with the club will be racing tomorrow at the Trek Store Crit in downtown Maddtown. MJ^2 will also being rolling. Updates tomorrow.

le Tour de Notre Dame du Lac

Cyclers, check out mwccc.org/sp09 to take a gander at the flyers for our road races...these will quite simply be the best races...ever

a better update will be coming soon, i swear

Campbell to attempt hour calorie record!!

Notre Dame cyclist Tim Campbell is planning an attempt at the hour calorie record for the Precor exercise bikes at Rolfs Fitness Center at the University of Notre Dame. "Just like how some tracks are faster than others, some bikes burn more calories than others...the Precor's at ND just seem to do the trick," Campbell said. Campbell is the current record holder at 2,136 calories and has held the record for 3 years now. "I remember my freshman year when I had a run of attempts at it. I broke 2,000 once on my own, but just barely. It was like 2010 or something like that. The record at the time was 2055. Either SR3K or R2G (SuperRaver 3000 and Rave to the Grave) had the record. We then all had a go at it, Maddog, Mike, and myself had a go. We all broke 2,000 calories, but I somehow rocked the 2,136. It was unreal." Campbell says that his new found zest for the record comes on the verge of him stepping on the scale to check his weight. "Yeah, I knew I was fat, thats not new. I'm just too fat right now." He hopes to generate some interest amongst the team in some record attempts so that he may be surrounded by like minded individuals. He has also started force feeding himself butter on rides so that he may replenish calories quick enough to keep them burning...stay tuned for the attempts on the record!

Jersey Orders - Game Over

Hey everyone, we just put in the order to VOmax so if you're one of the unlucky souls to stumble across this without getting your order in, its a hair too late. On the bright side, if you email me - tcampbe3@nd.edu - we can put you on a list for next year, or send out an email filling you in on what we have left over...

spanks

Jerseys

Dear Everyone That Reads This (all 5 people)-

We are ordering jerseys right now. Contact tcampbe3@nd.edu or mjohns19@nd.edu for more information. They are the sweet design that is on the homepage. Orders due by 10/15/08...

Sincerely

Me

BREAKING NEWS!

Andy Steves (seen left in photo where he was mistaken as the Unabomber) will make his glorious return to cycling on Sunday, August 24th at the Indiana State Criterium Championships at Rum Village in South Bend, IN. After taking a year off to pursue glorified male cheerleading in skirts and then a foray overseas to see how they really ride bikes, Steves has decided now is the best time for his return to the Kestrel.

The most winningest cyclist in Notre Dame histroy had this to say, "I'm pumped, man. As always, I plan on just chillin in the pack and unloading my sprint at the end. I've drank my Guinnii and my ass is still huge, so I don't have any reason to believe why I can't sprint my way to the top." Steves will compete in the Category 4 race.

Former team president Tim Campbell was very excited to hear the news. "I got the text from him earlier today proclaiming the good news. I skipped through the house with joy! I've missed Steves on the team. The race weekends aren't the same without him in my bed. I remember the first time he slapped my chest in his sleep at Purdue oh so long ago...."

The rest of the team was unavailable for comment, but the cycling world should watch out as Steves and his "Big Black" are ready to dominate anyone willing to toe the line.